A Christmas in St Canard
by Pharaoh-Ink
Summary: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through St. Canard, a pair of criminals were up to no good, hopefully Darkwing Duck was on guard!


It was that time of year again. Merry and bright, hah! Now THAT was a laugh! There was nothing to be merry or bright about- children had no idea what they were missing out on! Year after year, parents purchased them pathetic trinkets that held their attention for mere nanoseconds, and then what? It was on to the next diversion. Oh, he knew how their little minds operated far too well. Well, if they craved the violence that was conjured into pixels on televisions, he'd give them violence alright! Tangible toys that could REALLY shoot guns, not that fictional drivel that Whiffle Boy put out! Just the thought of the kiddos waking up on Christmas morning, playing with his creations and causing chaos, oh how that put an even bigger smile across his face. And how hard was it really, to deliver toys to the entirety of St. Canard? Santa did it, why couldn't he?!

" _Ohhhhh Meeeeegssssssy_!~ Is my little reindeer ready?" Came Quackerjack's tone through the door, as he clasped his hands together.

There was a shuffling sound, a groan, and then, " _Quaaaaaacky_! Do I have to go out?! Why can't you do it yourself? Besides, it's snowing, which equals wet, and me plus wet things equals uh...well, not good things! And it's COLD!"

"Tsk tsk, whining! Now just what kind of presents do you think you'll get if you keep up THAT attitude, mister?!"

"I'll probably get the same thing I got last year! Which was-uh...huh. ANYWAY! You are NOT making me leave this room, and that's final! I look ridiculous!"

"You want to break this poor jester's heart I see! Well fine! Don't come! I guess I'll just..." Quackerjack sniffled loudly against the door, "Tell all those precious lights on those trees that their one and only hero just _WON'T BE COMING TO SAVE THEM! OH! HOW TRAGIC_."

The door swung open immediately, and Megavolt stood there, dressed in none other than Quackerjack's latest humiliating costume, a bright red nose covering his own, and bells on his uncomfortably tight reindeer one-sie.

"FINE! You want to kill me with guilt, don't you?!"

"NONSENSE!" The jester began to clap with immense joy. "You look perfect!~ Oh Megsy, I just knew you would! I mean, after all, I DID take your measurements myself, so it would fit like a mitt!~"

"When did you do that?"

"While you were sleeping of course! Silly!"

"Sorry to say Quacky, but I think your measurements were off. I've got a case of major wedgie in this thing."

"Oh no, it was meant to be tight, I assure you." The jester's grin widened, and Megavolt groaned again, in agony.

"Why do I have to be the only one that's dressed up anyway?!"

"Now who said that?!" The jester grabbed both sides of his usual costume and ripped it apart, revealing his own Christmas themed garb underneath. "THERE! Now that we're properly attired for the occasion, we can get to work! And I'll need my most favorite reindeer to guide my sleigh _toniiiiiight_!~"

"There are times I despise you."

Quackerjack pulled the rodent closer, "That's when you know the friendship is real!"

* * *

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through St. Canard, a pair of criminals were up to no good, hopefully Darkwing Duck was on guard!

The pair of them trudged through the snowy streets. It was a city that usually never slept, coffee shops abuzz even in the late night, but on this night, the snowfall and bitter cold made cozy beds too tempting to resist.

Quackerjack clambered onto a roof, yanking Megavolt up after him, who was less than comfortable in this kind of weather, even with weather resistant articles of his costume. " _Wh-wh-why are we on the roof? Isn't it easier to j-just go through the fro-front door?_ " The rodent squeezed his arms around himself, teeth chattering together.

" _Becauuuuuuse_!~ That's how you deliver presents, everyone knows the chimney is the easiest way for breaking and entering!" The mad mallard set down a rather large bag, which surprised Megavolt, as he had no idea where he'd procured it from.

"Here's the plan, Sparky! We take turns dipping into houses like a pot of fondue, and we do a switcharoo!~ We replace the presents under the tree with the toys that I made! And then I finally get MY Christmas wish!~"

"Awww, this is gonna take all night! A-and my battery's gonna freeze over before then! _AND DON'T C-C-C-CALL ME THAT_!"

"Just think, Megs! All those beautiful lights, abused!" Quackerjack slung an arm across his freezing friend's shoulders, "They'll be so disappointed if you don't try!" From out of no where, Mr. Banana Brain, dressed as a miniature Nutcracker appeared, _"'You don't wanna make 'em sad, Brad! Do it for them! And for your most bestest friend in the whooooole wiiiiiide wooooooorld~!'_ "

Megavolt could never win in an argument against Mr. Banana Brain.

"FINE! Anything to get out of this cold!" He snapped, "What do I do?!"

Quackerjack produced a rope, tying it around the middle of his companion. " _Yoooooou_ climb down the chimney, give the rope a lil' tugsie when you're through, and I'll just pull you back up! Easy-peasy, right?"

"Sure, easy-peasy." Megavolt mumbled, giving the rope an experimental pull to make certain it was tied tightly enough. If someone had told him he'd be climbing down chimneys, just to satiate some whacko's fantasies, he would've thought they were insane! But...wasn't he the insane one for going through with it?

"Okay, good luck!" Quackerjack promptly threw the full bag into the rat's form. "Remember to take ALL the presents! I can't wait to use them as cannon fodder later, _hoo hoo huah hah hah!_ ~"

Megavolt tripped and stumbled his way to the opening of the dark hole, peering down inside of it before panic swept through him. "WAIT, NO. I JUST REMEMBERED. I'M TERRIFIED OF CRAMPED, DARK PLACES. IT'S A BAD IDEA, I'LL GET STUCK!" He backed away, earning a sharp glare from Quackerjack, and he whimpered. "PLEEEEEEEASE! I swear I'm not making up excuses! Don't make me go in there, Quacky..."

" _'Awww geez, Louise!~'_ " Mr. Banana Brain chimed in, and Quackerjack rolled his eyes, stomping a foot huffily into the snow covered roof as he bounced over, untying Megavolt and instead tying the rope around his own middle. He promptly shoved the other end into Megavolt's hands, leaning closer only to prod him in the chest harshly, "Some elf YOU are!"

"...I thought I was a reindeer."

"You stink at both of those jobs thus far! You're definitely on my naughty list tonight!" The jester climbed into the opening, grabbing his bag of goodies and pulling them in after him, "DON'T LET GO OF THE ROPE!~"

"Does he really think I'm that incapable?!" Megavolt near pouted and glared once the duck was out of earshot, _"'Hold the roooope, Megavolt. Wear this dumb outfit, Megavolt. Go out in the COLD AND FREEZE YOUR BULBS OFF, MEGAVOLT!'_ "

The crazed clown made his descent carefully, his skilled agility making it an easy trip, even with the load. Santa, eat your heart out! Once emerging from the soot and ash, he brushed himself off and waltzed right in. "Aw, how quaint and homey!~" The living room was just as expected, clad in the usual Christmas decorative assortments, and presents galore! Quackerjack bounced over to the gifts, picking one up and giving it a gentle rattle. "Oh.~ Well howdy do, Whiffle Boy." His fingers tightened on the wrapped gift, his look of pure malice. "Sounds like a new game, oh, I betcha you were real excited to have yet another child's mind polluted by your newest mind-zapping gag-fest. You hack. _I hope you choke on a Christmas cookie!_ " He dumped out his bag of toys before shoving in the others in their place.

"Ohhhh, musn't forget the lights! Megsy-doodle will have a fit..." He approached the tree next, giving the lights a lidded gaze. "Well _hello_ , pretties. Your man's upstairs waiting for you, but I thought I might introduce myself. After all, it isn't polite to just shove someone into a bag without schmoozing them over first, right?" The lights merely twinkled in their hypnotizing way, and Quackerjack sighed, admiring them.

"Not a talkative bunch, I see. It's okay, I happen to know Megsy enjoys that quality!" He reached out and began to tug them off the branches then, pulling the strands down into loops he circled around his arm, until he came to the extension cord, yanking the entire thing out of the wall by its plug. "Don't tell him I was a bit rough, okay?"

Just then, a new light flashed behind the jester, causing him to freeze. It wasn't a Christmas light- it was coming from the hallway! " _Hhhn? Daaaaad...? Issat yooou?_ " Came a nasally, sleep-ridden child's voice, and the jester panicked, doing the only sensible thing he could think of, which was jumping behind the tree to hide. Apparently, it was much too late for him, as the child wandered further in, rubbing an eye.

"Dad...?"

Oh no, oh no! He was terrible at sounding like an adult! It was the worst! He had to at least try though, or else his cover would be blown! Think authoritative! Think taxes! Think boring slacks and monochrome ties!

 _"U-uhhh...y-yes honey lemon apple pie?~ G-go back to sleep! Daddy was just uh, making sure Santa didn't forget his cookies!_ "

"...What?" DARN IT. Time for Plan B, a nice teddy bear filled with knock out gas- that always did the trick! Just as he wound up for the pitch, another voice filled the room. What was this, a party?!

"Gosalyn...? It's 3 AM, why are you out of bed...?"

"...Dad? Wait...if you're there...then who..."

" _SEASON'S GREETINGS!~_ " The jester popped out from his hiding place, "I guess my adult impression needs a little work, _hoo hoo_!~ Never been real good at that one!"

"YIKES! DAD, IT'S QUACKERJACK!"

"I THINK I KNOW WHO IT IS, GOSALYN! WHAT IS QUACKERJACK DOING IN MY HOUSE?!" The middle aged duck posing said question seemed to look very nervous for a moment, as if someone had just revealed something very intimate about him. The jester had no time to think on the matter, having far too many plans ahead of him tonight to have some pathetic civilian stop him!

"He's delivering goodies to all the good lil' boys and girls, of course!~" Quackerjack supplied, giggling. "In fact, why don't you open your presents a little early?!" He side swept the gift boxes, sending his malevolent creations tumbling to the floor, and seeking destruction on the first things they saw. Quackerjack saw his chance for an easy escape and ran to the chimney while the duo were distracted, giving frantic tugs to the rope around his waist. There was no movement on the other side, and so he began to scramble wildly up the chimney himself, yelling up at his supposed friend who had JUST ONE JOB TONIGHT!

Megavolt was practically an icicle, feeling far more run down than usual- the weather was wreaking havoc on his ability to function, and for a few moments, he had forgotten why he was up on a roof in the cold entirely. It was then that he looked down at the rope in his hands, wondering why he had it, and where the other end was tied to when the familiar yells of Quackerjack finally snapped him back to the present and he began yanking at the rope with fervor. Quackerjack finally emerged, flopping out of the chimney raggedly.

"Quacky! W-what happened in there?!" The rodent was yanked down to the mad mallard's level, and his expression was terrifying.

" _I THOUGHT I WAS VERY CLEAR IN THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PULL WHEN I MADE THE TUGSIES!~ WHAT PART OF THAT DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!_ "

"...The. You. Oh. _Sorry_..." Megavolt winced, finding it harder than usual to focus, it was as if his brain was numb. He peered down into the chimney to see the middle aged duck poke his head into the fireplace, craning upwards to see them.

"OOOH, YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL DARKWING DUCK GETS HERE! I HAPPEN TO KNOW HIM, AND HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE YOU RUINING THE CHRISTMAS OF A PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRL, AND WAKING HER FATHER AT 3 AM ON A COLD WINTER'S MORNING TO GO OUT AND...Y-YELL AT YOU FROM HERE! BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I'LL DO, I'LL YELL, WHILE DARKWING DUCK, THE REAL HERO, WHO IS COMING SHORTLY, WILL REALLY PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE!"

" _Dad._ " Came Gosalyn's exasperated tone, faintly.

"Drake Mallard?" Megavolt tilted his head down at him, squinting. "...Didn't we go to high school together?"

"Eh, WHAT?! MEGAVOLT, YOU'RE HERE TOO?!"

"Heeeey! Long time no see! How are you? I didn't know this was your house! Did you go to our reunion?"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF-" Drake pulled himself back out, stepping out of view, and the rodent pulled back, looking at Quackerjack and seeming to forget their little fight.

"Boy, it's so weird running into people from school. I wonder if we were friends."

"...I hate to interrupt you when you're roaming down memory lane with your long lost classmate, BUT YOUR CURRENT FRIEND WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU THAT IT'LL PROBABLY BE MERE MOMENTS BEFORE DIPWING DOOFUS SHOWS UP AND SPOILS THE WHOLE NIGHT!" Quackerjack yanked the ends of his hat angrily. "NO FAIR, NO FAIR, NO FAIR!~ He ruins everything! He's as bad as Whiffle Boy! All _meanies_!"

"We better split like an atom then! Speaking of splitting atoms though...I think I'm runnin' on empty..." Megavolt looked very drained and miserably cold, and even Quackerjack in his moment of frustration took notice.

"...Megsy, you don't look so hot."

"I'm the exact opposite of hot, so I'm glad it shows..." Trying to expand any amount of effort at all seemed trying for him, and finally it seemed to dawn on Quackerjack that dragging his battery dependent, electricity ridden friend out into intense temperatures was not one of his better ideas.

With Darkwing no doubt being hot on their tails soon enough, and his friend losing worse for wear, Quackerjack just didn't have the heart to press on- it wouldn't be fun this way, without his reindeer by his side.

* * *

Megavolt hadn't realized he had ever gone to sleep, let alone would wake up in his lighthouse surrounded by what was essentially a massive blanket fort of all manner of patterns and fabrics. What had he been doing last night? He knew one thing for sure- needed to get these layers off, he was overheating! The rodent pushed aside the piles of blankets spread over top of him and stretched out, cracking his back and sitting upwards when he felt strong enough to.

"Megsy!~ You're awake! Feelin' any better?" Megavolt looked up to see none other than Quackerjack standing over him, the jester perky as usual, and he wondered if they'd had another one of their usual sleepovers last night.

"...Mornin' Quacky! Uh, it IS morning, right...?" Megavolt glanced around, no concept of the current time, and his various clocks on the walls did little to help him, they never seemed to agree on a time. He rubbed over his head, looking down and noticing he had an extension cord leading from his chest to one of the wall sockets.

"Sure _iiiiiis_!~ And not just ANY morning!" He threw out his hands, "IT'S _CHRIIIIIIISTMAS MOOOOORNNNIIIIING_!~ You woke up just in time! Thought I'd have to wait till next year to see ya, pal!"

"...Oh!" Megavolt grinned faintly then, vaguely recalling something having to do with his old classmate, a lot of cold and snow, and a very angry Quacky, but it seemed like a very far off dream. "...What happened last night?"

"Well..." Quackerjack giggled nervously. "I may have overworked my little reindeer! I didn't realize that even the best batteries inside toys can start acting up if they get too cold. So I brought you back and..." Mr. Banana Brain chimed in, " _'You had to relax, Max! You passed out in the snow!'_ "

"I did? Huh. Well, sorry if I messed up...whatever it was we were doing." He looked up at his friend sheepishly, but Quackerjack merely shook his head, the bells on his hat ringing away.

"I realized that there's always next year to take down Whiffle Boy, and besides, I always have a back-up plan! I _maaaaaay_ have rigged some of the toys in one of his factories to...explode when handled? I'm sure someone in St. Canard will receive one of those little lovelies. _Ehehehehe_! I hope he likes a nice fat lawsuit for his gift this year!"

" _Hehehe_! Nice one, Quacky. Glad you got what you wanted after all."

" _Ah-ah-ah_! And one more thing-" Quackerjack reached over, plugging something into one of the wall outlets, and the power coursed into hundreds of beautifully colored Christmas lights that were hung above Megavolt's head, glistening away. "I managed to save these little guys for ya, before, you know, operation Shady Santa went south!"

"Quacky...I don't know what to say! Thanks..." Megavolt was touched at the other villain's gesture, knowing how much it would mean to him, and even though he couldn't remember the specifics of last night, he knew he'd gone through the trouble of liberating these lights for him.

"You can make it up to me later, I think I have some mistletoe hanging around here somewhere..." The jester's grin became slightly devious, before a pillow went sailing through the air, a direct hit to his bill! The pair of villains began to cackle, and a pillow war ensued shortly after, tucked away on a cold winter's morning, where all was merry and bright.


End file.
